Clusterfuck

I’ve been chewing on this blog for like two months trying to figure out how the hell to write it. I think I half figured it out, so let’s do dis.

This blog is about the most complex game in the entire world: Love.

No matter how much you hate the game, in order to win, you have to suit up.

Hold up though… how are you supposed to master a game that doesn’t come with a set of instructions? Where the rules are constantly changing, the players are many, and the stakes are stupidly high?

Is it really a fair fight when the scales can tip quick as a flash over a word misspoken? A text sent too late? Without enough emoji?

Sure, one can argue that there are clues that alert you as to whether you’re playing it right. The length and frequency of texts. Response time. Urgency to see you in person.

But how can you even win when each player follows an entirely different set of rules?

Like… you wouldn’t just fuse together Mario Kart and Halo into one game. It’d be a total clusterfuck. The players wouldn’t even know how to interact with each other. Can you imagine Princess Peach trying to chat up one of the dudes in Halo? He’d shoot her in the face. She’d throw bananas at him. Total disaster.

So why is love so… clusterfucky?

And who wins at this game? Really? It’s scary how good I am at this game, but like… can I tap out? Will I find someone on the sidelines who’s also sick of all the stupid rules? Maybe that’s the trick. Maybe to win, you have to stop playing. Like in Hunger Games. Just blow up the stupid arena that’s controlling you.

Problem is, when you stop playing… you lose too. In a different way.

But seriously though… who’s winning?

Is it people in relationships?

Is it people who have passionate encounters and then go on their merry way?

There are times when the idea of a relationship exhausts me and I want to go on being the female equivalent of a fuckboy forever because it’s a hell of a lot of fun. Then, there are times when I’m reminded of why people do get into relationships, and all logic and sensibility go out the window. The vodka tells my thumbs to send a stupid text and boom – I’m back in the clusterfuck.

Love really seems like a war zone. Everyone wants to get involved. Mom. Dad. Grandma. Friends. Everyone has expectations for you. The other players have a whole other set of expectations. And let’s not forget that we each have our own expectations of what we want, with that person, and bam. We’re back in Halo/Mario Kart land throwing bananas at each other.

The worst part is, when love does come a-knocking – especially when we’re caught off guard – we become paralyzed in fear. We’d rather close the flood gates than try and learn to swim in unfamiliar waters. We’re safe within our own walls.

Yet we want love. Real love. We’re in this together love. But the crux of it is that we’re all just kind of like:

i love you but

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So we do nothing. We let it go. We tell ourselves the high isn’t worth the pain. We remember how it’s not the first dates that break you. It’s not the second dates or even the thirds. It’s not the dinners and drinks or trips to the movies.

It’s when time utterly stops when you’re together. It’s the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles that make you weak in the knees. It’s when he fixes the broken doorknob in your apartment. It’s when you can tell from his eyes how much he cares, even when he doesn’t say a damn thing.

That’s what breaks you. That’s what we’re simultaneously running toward, and away from. Push, pull, push, pull. Stumbling around like newborn giraffes looking for food.

Can we win at this game? Who effing knows? I guess the only way to find out is to keep playing. Or… not?

In the meantime, here are some angsty ass songs to help you cope with the jungle of confusion. And may the odds be ever in your favor:

Habits of My Heart

Homie

We Won’t

Cheap Hotel

Fair Game

Waiting Game

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Useless I Mean Awesome Internet Stuff You Should Probs Be Aware Of

People are always texting me things like:

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…because, apparently, I am a wealth of useless knowledge and spend way too much time on the Internet. So for today’s blog, I decided it’s time for a brain dump of stuff I keep encountering on the Internet. That way, those of you who spend less time online can still be hip in casual conversation also be a bank of useless knowledge. 😀 😀 😀

Here we go. Categories:

  • Instagram accounts
  • iPhone tools (get up outta here with that Android)
  • Terminology that pops up all over Instagram and you’re just like… wuuuut??
  • Two emoji people who should exist
  • This video

INSTAGRAM ACCOUNTS

  1. @brosbeingbasic

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Go back and read all of those hashtags. This account is hilarious because it mocks all of the “basic” girls on Instagram who use like 400 million hashtags in their pictures of them doing girly stuff.

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2. @lumbersexual

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This account is basically just sexy dudes with beards, mountain scenery, the occasional puppy, and general ruggedness. ❤

iPHONE TOOLS

I got this text today after I sent an animated GIF:

  1. Riffsy GIF Keyboard

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You can choose from a selection of GIFs, all bucketed into various categories such as “Bye Felicia” and “#creepin.” This keyboard is why I win all of the GIF battles.

2. Yemoji

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This is basically the GIF keyboard… except… exclusively Kanye’s face.

You can install both of these keyboards just like you installed the Emoji keyboard. If you don’t know how to do that, check it.

TERMINOLOGY THAT POPS UP ALL OVER INSTAGRAM AND YOU’RE JUST LIKE… WUUUT??

  1. Thot

This is not exactly a nice word. Quite simply, it means “hoe.” A group of Thots is called “Thotties.” As in:

“Look at dem thotties over there. Are they even wearing pants?!”

2. Fam

Urban Dictionary (the most trusted of all online resources) defines this as

a word used to describe your peoples. someone you consider family.

In casual conversation, it can be used like:

FAM

It’s almost like… the new, hip version of the word “homie.”

3. AF (or af)

This is the abbreviated form of the term “as fuck.” As in:

Yo, those shoes are fly af!

or

Yo, it’s hot af outside.

TWO EMOJI PEOPLE WHO SHOULD EXIST

This fake emoji:

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And this one:

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THIS VIDEO

 

I love how the internet went nuts with him and made stuff like this:

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K, I’m done.

…PS, in case you’re wondering which is worse “ratchet or basic” – here:

PPS: Yes, I am aware that we both spelled the word RATCHET incorrectly in the text thread.

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Exactly.

Byeeeee Summer

Summer is officially over. It makes me sad all day.

Before I break out my chunky sweaters, fall boots and scarves that double as blankets, I’m going to try and summarize my summer in a few pictures. Here we go…

WAKING UP FOR WORK
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WAKING UP ON THE WEEKEND

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DIETING

ME EXERCISINGIMG_1705

ME WORKING LATE

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ME HELPING FRIENDS DURING BREAKUP SEASON

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ME “ADULTING”

ME PLAYING GUITAR

TIGERS

ME COOKING

ME ON TINDER

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…before I delete the app two minutes later

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ME DANCING AT MIDDLESEX

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bernie

…BOYS

ME FLIRTING

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… Me neither 

ME TEXTING EVERYBODY

ME AFTER SENDING A STUPID TEXT

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ME DRIVING

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WEEKEND ME

MY LIVER

ME WHEN A NICE BOY ACTUALLY WANTS TO TAKE ME ON A DINNER DATE INSTEAD OF DRINKS LIKE A REAL ADULT HUMAN

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ME AND MY FRIENDS DOING STUFFME ONLINE SHOPPING

ME WHEN SOMEONE BRINGS CUPCAKES TO THE OFFICE

SMURF

ME WITH BOYS I ACTUALLY LIKE
 ME AT WORK

HUSTLE2

ME HEARING MY FRIENDS TALK ABOUT THEIR BOY SITUATIONS

FullSizeRender (9)ME TAKING BUBBLE BATHS

That’s basically it. Byeeee forever, summer! I’ll miss your face.

Existential Crisis Kanye

You know when you get all busy with work and stuff and you’re like

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I wanna go to this conference and that conference and take this class, and learn new things… look at me, I’m an entrepreneur.

Then, your friends will text you “let’s hang out” and you’ll be like “……….I shouldn’t” but then two hours later you’re at the club like

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Then you chat with your mom on the phone and she’s asking you about work and life and stuff and you tell her about everything and when you get to your social calendar, she gets all judgy like “…you’ve been drinking a lot, haven’t you?” And you’re all

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Alcohol understands me, Mom.

And she’s just like

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“…hmm”

So then you’re feeling like “she’s right” so like, maybe you should get your shit together and stop going out so much and focus on your work, so you’re back to being on dat grind.

Then you’ll be assigned some cool project at work and you’re like

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“I’m da boss.”

Then, you’ll be walking to the T or something and see a couple being all cute and couple-y holding hands and stuff and you’ll be like

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Awwww aren’t they cute? See? Love still exists.

Then a slow jam will come on your Spotify, so you’ll stare out of the T window pretending you’re in a music video like

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“wait…I wanna be cute”

Then you start thinking about how fun it is to meet someone new and get all giddy and you’re like

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But then you remember that one time you accidentally caught all of the feels and how he just made you sad all day. So you were just like

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…I hate you.

So now you’re just

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….Hard pass on the feelz.

So back to work. Then you’ll meet your friends for spin class, and you’re like

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Fraaaands fraaands fraaands, my friends are the best. ❤

But since boys have radar for when you want nothing to do with them, suddenly you get texts like “wanna hang out?” and at first you’re all

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Heyyyyy.

But then you’ll be coordinating plans and after like a week, you’re just

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Too much, too much. Abort mission.

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…I’m invisible.

So you go back to focusing on your work, trying to figure out your next move, and then you go on Facebook and you’re like

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“Like… how can you afford a house?!” because your friends are real adults now. So then you start contemplating life like

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“Maybe I should just quit my job and become a spin instructor. Or move to Costa Rica to teach surfing lessons.”

But then you remember that you can’t actually surf, so you decide that maybe you should just attend more spin classes instead so

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La la la la, life is good.

Then out of the blue, one of the boys starts texting you with all the cute emojis and stuff, wanting to hang out so you’re like

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Aww, he so cute.

So you start hanging out and then he suddenly ghosts on you and you’re just like

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Thanks for distracting meeeeee for no reason, you butt monster.

So you go back to worrying about life stuff like getting your state inspection sticker renewed and finally finishing a side project you’re been working on.

Then something hectic will happen at da office and you’ll be grinding like a little animal for 10 hours a day for an entire week, and in the peak of your busyness, dat boy will come back like “hiiiiii” and you’re just

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Can we not?

So you decide to go to the club on the weekend to distract you from all the stresses of work and stuff

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But you accidentally send a stupid text and you’re just like

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OooOOOoOOOooOOOooops

So you try and pretend like it didn’t happen and go to spin class instead.

So in spin class, the music is bumpin and you’re on the beat during the hill climb segment looking like a gremlin wildebeest and you can’t even breathe. Your instructor is over there like not even sweating and he’s screaming at you like “what are you running toward? What are you running away from? Whatever it is, come and get itttttttttttttttt!!!!” …because he crazy (he hot tho), and you start having an existential crisis like

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“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaait. What am I running toward?”

“Am I doing enough with my life?”

“Am I wasting my time by being too social?”

“How do people like Zuckerberg balance their time?

…They have assistants, tho.”

“I want an intern.”

“Wtf is this song? This is so good.”

“I can’t fucking breathe though, why do we have to have the resistance this highhhh?”

“I know what I want but am I even on the right track with my career?”

“What am I scooby dooby doing with my life?”

“You said we had 4 seconds left in this sprint 8 seconds ago, spin instructor… I hate you.”

“Maybe I should get a financial advisor.”

“…Or buy a parking garage in Boston. Mad $$$$”

“Why do I bother with boys? They are gremlins.”

“Does any of this even really matter?”

“Why am I even in this spin class? I’m fucking hungry.”

“Should I like, buy an apartment or something? People do that.”

“Maybe I should move to SF and start my own company.

…Or Colorado.”

“Ugh, why did you have to ask that question, spin instructor? Does anyone know what they’re doing with their lives?”

So you leave class and go home and you’re just like

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Imma take a nap. Naps are clearly the answer.

Instagrizzle – Fo Rizzle

A while back, I did a post on my favorite Instagram accounts. I have new faves now. Had to share. There’s a theme. See if you can‘t even… I mean guess. Happy long weekend, fam 🙂

  1. @tinderonians

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2. @whitegirlcanyounot

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3. @menotgivingafuck

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4. @your_fuckboy – this guy is the actual worst human alive, but his captions + emoji game are hilarious

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5. @dogsbeingbasic

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6. @sobasicicanteven

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7. @ericdent – I don’t know who this beautiful man is or how I found him, but… he hot.

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8. @kjp – These people look like they’re walking ads for J.Crew and Vineyard Vines… oh wait, they’re walking ads for KJP.

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I’m done. Baiiiii.

8 Lessons I Learned From Being 25

It’s my birthday this weekend. I’m turning into a grandma… I mean 26. I still eat cake like dis tho:  I’m taking a blog hiatus for a few months, while I get my life together. Before I go, here are 8 things I learned at age 25:

1. People, generally, need to turn down

25 is that weird age where half your friends are buying houses, having children, and getting engaged. The other half (including me) is over here eating cereal with a fork.

Suddenly, everyone’s all up in yo grill asking stupid questions like, “what are you doing with your career?” and “are you seeing anyone?” and “have you thought about investing?”

Like, chill, fam. I’m old, but I’m not that old. I have my shit together. Let me live my life.

2. The “chair to the face road” isn’t as good as the high road

I’ve met people in this world that make me want to punch them. In the face… with a chair. I’ve learned, however, that the majority of people are (mostly) well-intentioned. Even if their execution sucks. I, for one, don’t want people to remember me as an asshole, so I refuse to be an asshole. Simple as that.

3. Side hustling/adulting is hard

Having your shit together all the time is exhausting. Work, bills, fitness, social life, family time, hobbies, etc. Working full time makes me sooooo tired.

Gone are the days when I could rage Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, and still get all of my stuff done. College? All over that. Now, I go out one night and I’m basically dead for 3 days. #struggles.

4. Coffee/wine fix (almost) all of the things

Stressed at work? Easy, drink more coffee. Did the snow plow hit and dent your car again? … Wine. See? I’m a problem solver 😉

5. Boys are funny

One minute, they’re blowing up your phone. The next, they’re all… jk!

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Baiiiii?? #YouSeemCoolThoughShouldWeJustBeFriendsInstead? 😦

6. Making real connections is hard

I’m lucky to have made two solid new friendships in the past year. Like, “I can call you at 2am crying and I know you’ll pick up” kind of friendships. Making genuine friends is hard nowadays. People are flaky. I feel like when you make a real connection with someone, you should hold onto it. Because that shit is rare.

7. I still don’t know how to do basic life things

Like how to set up my cable box. Or, you know, cook a real meal for myself at least 4 nights per week. Maybe when I’m like, 30 I’ll have it all figured out…?

8. Forgiveness is key

I think one of the keys to happiness in life is learning how to forgive people. Even if they don’t deserve it. Whether it’s forgiving some guy for breaking your heart, or your friend for doing something shitty, it’s important. Forgiveness is not a weakness. It’s having the strength to click “unsubscribe” to the things that cause you pain, and moving right along with your life. 🙂

Aaaaaand, I’m done. 🙂 See ya in a few months, kids! It’s been real.

#MoarMusak: Summer Driving Jamz

I haven’t had much time recently for posts that don’t involve either internet cats or music, so here comes another music post. BAM. Driving tunes. Get at it.

Wild – Royal Teeth ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Leave A Trace – Chvrches

 

Home – Madeon

 

The City – The 1975

 

Roses – The Chainsmokers (… I can’t get enough of this effing song)

 

Girls Like You – The Naked and Famous

 

Greek Tragedy – The Wombats

 

Mine – Phoebe Ryan

 

Miracle – Ghost Beach

 

Electric Love – Borns

#MusicMonday: Rap-tastic

You know, my outfit may say, “I drink pumpkin spice lattes, shop at LOFT, and go to spin class,” but my Spotify playlists say “…I’m from Brockton.”

Here are 10 badass rap songs for dat Monday grind. You’re welcome 🙂

Worry Bout It (feat. Fetty Wap) – Kirko Bangz

 

Close Your Eyes (And Count to Fuck) – Run the Jewels

 

All Eyes On You (feat. Chris Brown) – Meek Mill

 

March Madness – DJ Esco

 

Ongoing Thing – 20syl

 

This Could Be Us – Rae Sremmurd

 

Wild Life – Jack & Jack

 

Nothing But Trouble – Lil Wayne

 

On Your Body (feat. Meetsims) – Chinx

 

Rihanna – Yo Ghotti