Existential Crisis Kanye

You know when you get all busy with work and stuff and you’re like


I wanna go to this conference and that conference and take this class, and learn new things… look at me, I’m an entrepreneur.

Then, your friends will text you “let’s hang out” and you’ll be like “……….I shouldn’t” but then two hours later you’re at the club like


Then you chat with your mom on the phone and she’s asking you about work and life and stuff and you tell her about everything and when you get to your social calendar, she gets all judgy like “…you’ve been drinking a lot, haven’t you?” And you’re all


Alcohol understands me, Mom.

And she’s just like



So then you’re feeling like “she’s right” so like, maybe you should get your shit together and stop going out so much and focus on your work, so you’re back to being on dat grind.

Then you’ll be assigned some cool project at work and you’re like


“I’m da boss.”

Then, you’ll be walking to the T or something and see a couple being all cute and couple-y holding hands and stuff and you’ll be like


Awwww aren’t they cute? See? Love still exists.

Then a slow jam will come on your Spotify, so you’ll stare out of the T window pretending you’re in a music video like


“wait…I wanna be cute”

Then you start thinking about how fun it is to meet someone new and get all giddy and you’re like


But then you remember that one time you accidentally caught all of the feels and how he just made you sad all day. So you were just like


…I hate you.

So now you’re just


….Hard pass on the feelz.

So back to work. Then you’ll meet your friends for spin class, and you’re like


Fraaaands fraaands fraaands, my friends are the best. ❤

But since boys have radar for when you want nothing to do with them, suddenly you get texts like “wanna hang out?” and at first you’re all



But then you’ll be coordinating plans and after like a week, you’re just


Too much, too much. Abort mission.


…I’m invisible.

So you go back to focusing on your work, trying to figure out your next move, and then you go on Facebook and you’re like


“Like… how can you afford a house?!” because your friends are real adults now. So then you start contemplating life like


“Maybe I should just quit my job and become a spin instructor. Or move to Costa Rica to teach surfing lessons.”

But then you remember that you can’t actually surf, so you decide that maybe you should just attend more spin classes instead so


La la la la, life is good.

Then out of the blue, one of the boys starts texting you with all the cute emojis and stuff, wanting to hang out so you’re like


Aww, he so cute.

So you start hanging out and then he suddenly ghosts on you and you’re just like


Thanks for distracting meeeeee for no reason, you butt monster.

So you go back to worrying about life stuff like getting your state inspection sticker renewed and finally finishing a side project you’re been working on.

Then something hectic will happen at da office and you’ll be grinding like a little animal for 10 hours a day for an entire week, and in the peak of your busyness, dat boy will come back like “hiiiiii” and you’re just


Can we not?

So you decide to go to the club on the weekend to distract you from all the stresses of work and stuff


But you accidentally send a stupid text and you’re just like



So you try and pretend like it didn’t happen and go to spin class instead.

So in spin class, the music is bumpin and you’re on the beat during the hill climb segment looking like a gremlin wildebeest and you can’t even breathe. Your instructor is over there like not even sweating and he’s screaming at you like “what are you running toward? What are you running away from? Whatever it is, come and get itttttttttttttttt!!!!” …because he crazy (he hot tho), and you start having an existential crisis like


“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaait. What am I running toward?”

“Am I doing enough with my life?”

“Am I wasting my time by being too social?”

“How do people like Zuckerberg balance their time?

…They have assistants, tho.”

“I want an intern.”

“Wtf is this song? This is so good.”

“I can’t fucking breathe though, why do we have to have the resistance this highhhh?”

“I know what I want but am I even on the right track with my career?”

“What am I scooby dooby doing with my life?”

“You said we had 4 seconds left in this sprint 8 seconds ago, spin instructor… I hate you.”

“Maybe I should get a financial advisor.”

“…Or buy a parking garage in Boston. Mad $$$$”

“Why do I bother with boys? They are gremlins.”

“Does any of this even really matter?”

“Why am I even in this spin class? I’m fucking hungry.”

“Should I like, buy an apartment or something? People do that.”

“Maybe I should move to SF and start my own company.

…Or Colorado.”

“Ugh, why did you have to ask that question, spin instructor? Does anyone know what they’re doing with their lives?”

So you leave class and go home and you’re just like


Imma take a nap. Naps are clearly the answer.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s